


Super Spies with Tax Benefits

by orphan_account



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Courtroom Drama, Crossdressing, Divorce, F/M, Human Disaster Clint Barton, Humor, Marriage, News Media, Platonic Relationships
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-22
Updated: 2017-01-22
Packaged: 2018-09-19 03:20:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,575
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9415814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: When Clint Barton and Bobbi Morse got married - a frankly logical decision as they were partners at the moment, vaguely in a relationship, and wanted the employment, tax, and paperwork benefits it would bring - the decision was criticized by Natasha Romanov, Phil Coulson, the entire Strike Team, all of the Operations division, and effectively the whole of Shield. Well, except for Melinda May, who sent a very nice flower bouquet three days after the wedding.Now, a little over five years later, Bobbi has finally filed for divorce, after a lengthy ordeal involving time travel, dinosaurs, ghost possession, and a magical stone. At least one thing is certain: with Clint Barton involved, this is going to be a disaster.





	

**ARCHER AVENGER FACING A DIVORCE? THE SECRET LIFE OF THE MOST SECRETIVE SUPERHERO!**

**AVENGER, DIVORCED? THE STUNNING DETAILS WILL SHOCK YOU!**

**DID YOU KNOW THAT THERE WAS A MARRIED AVENGER? WELL, NOT ANYMORE!**

**WHO EXACTLY IS BARBARA MORSE, AND WHY DOES SHE THINK SHE’S BETTER THAN AN AVENGER?**

**IS HAWKEYE DATING THE BLACK WIDOW OR NOT? WE TRY AND FIND OUT!**

 

Tony stared at the headlines on the screen. He had Jarvis regularly scan for Avengers-related Tabloid articles and Click-bait, officially to keep an eye on the team's public perception, but really as ammunition to tease them with. Most of it was nonsense, like most such articles in general, but that didn’t make it any less amusing.

 

This, however? This seemed real. There were official documents, and sources, and photographs. Before joining the Avengers, Clint had been married. More than that, he had been married to a smoking hot blonde woman.

 

Now, how did he want to go about this? Tease his teammate over losing his wife, or maybe play the nice guy and get some bonding in so that Clint would side with him on whatever petty argument he’d next get in to. No, he didn’t know anything about their relationship, which meant any plan was doomed to failure.

 

"I have found 'Barbara Morse' in the stored Shield Database." Jarvis says, and a screen pops up with the basic information of the file. "Agent Barbara Morse, level 7, codename Mockingbird."

 

Well, that was interesting.

 

He goes to breakfast, keeping that information close at hand. Bruce and Steve are cooking, with Pietro zooming around the kitchen, Bucky sitting at the counter eating pancakes, Rhodey's talking to his mysterious Air Force girlfriend over the phone by the window, and Wanda, Pepper, and Natasha are all sitting on the couch with coffee. Thor isn’t there, of course, neither is T’Challa, or Peter, but everyone who actually lives in the tower is there, except for Clint.

 

Tony gets food, because he’s hungry, and has been told that he isn’t allowed in the suit without having eaten something that counts as ‘real food’ within twelve hours. He’s almost certain that this would be overturned if there was a world-ending emergency, but he’s been barred from missions because of it, so now he’s in the habit of actually eating regularly. Damn his teammates.

 

Clint comes down some ten or twenty minutes later, looking like a mess. To be fair, that is standard, because Clint Barton is a mess. He doesn’t seem more of a mess than usual, however, especially after he pours himself a cup of coffee.

 

“Oh.” He says. “Just in case the news somehow finds out about it, my wife is filing for divorce.” He takes another sip of his coffee. He doesn’t look relieved, or heartbroken, or even apathetic, just . . . casual.

 

Tony is very confused.

 

“I didn’t know you were married?” Steve says. “You never wear the ring. Or, I guess, if you’ve been separated –“ Points to Steve, being aware of that sort of stuff. Tease him once about modern relationship culture and he decides to research everything and become an expert.

 

Clint's face goes blank, and he digs in to his shirt awkwardly, pulling out a chain necklace with a ring attached. “We both decided not to wear them, because of field missions and the like. I try to keep it on me, though.”

 

“I never picked you for the sentimental type, Barton.” Tony says with a laugh. “I hope she hasn’t broken your heart too much.”

 

“Oh. No. It’s just really useful. The rings have a homing beacon, and a miniature lockpick, and a dosage of cyanide.” Again, the casual tone is kind of eerie, because he talks about little capsules of death in the same way he talks about his preference for certain pizza shops. “But putting rings on your fingers can be too obvious, especially when dealing with undercover work.”

 

“That’s . . . practical.” Bruce says, deliberately not looking at the ring, and Clint drops it back under his shirt. “So. Divorced. That has to suck.”

 

“I’m just surprised they reached the five-year anniversary.” Natasha says. “I mean, we all thought one of you would end up mysteriously murdered in a manner no one would be able to pin on the other within the first few months.”

 

“Hey! Not everyone! Agent May sent us a very nice floral bouquet wishing us a happy marriage together.” Clint says, sounding almost fake annoyed. “I mean, I’m not certain she knew who we were, but a bouquet was sent and I shall capitalize on this until I die.”

 

“Depending on exactly what you did to make Bobbi want to divorce you, that might not be too far off.” Natasha replies with a laugh. “I mean, you have to remember, I like your wife more than I like you, and we're both better assassins than you could ever hope to be.”

 

“Bobbi?” Tony says for a second. “Oh. Short for Barbara.” Clint pivots around quickly to stare about him. “Funny story, the news media has already caught wind of the divorce. Hey, happy thoughts, at least they don’t know she’s a Shield Agent?”

 

“She’s going to murder me.” Clint mutters. “They’re going to plaster her picture everywhere. Oh my god. Her career is going to be ruined.” He looks more devastated at the thought of that than any other news about this impending divorce.

 

“That’s okay, Barton, when she comes to murder you we will make sure you are properly reassembled and buried.” Pietro says, zooming up right next to him to pat the older man on the back. “So, can we see this Bobbi Morse? I want to know what kind of woman would be dumb enough to date someone like Barton.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, let’s show them all the lucky lady.” Tony says with a laugh, and tosses the picture of Bobbi Morse taken from one of the tabloids recently and puts it up on to the screen. It’s not the best angle but the woman is pretty attractive, and there’s a certain confidence about her.

 

Everyone nods. This woman is way out of Clint Barton’s league, though to be fair almost everyone is. Clint and Natasha on the other hand, start laughing uproariously, and Clint falls out of his chair with laughter.

 

“I can’t believe it.” He says, choking over his words. “He – I – and that – did they really – Natasha, help – by whatever demon took Nick Fury’s eye – I can't even" The laughter fills the room, and everyone is very, very confused.

 

“Put the picture from her Shield File up on the screen.” Natasha says, and the picture goes up. The Shield picture is also very attractive, but one thing becomes immediately clear: they are not of the same person.

 

“Who is that?” Pepper asks. “It isn’t your wife? Is someone falsely filing for divorce against you?”

 

“No. She texted me. The divorce is legit. She just hadn’t told me about this part.” Clint says, and he chuckles again at the picture, almost breaking him out of the calm. “That’s her boyfriend, Lance Hunter, dressed up as her.  I can’t believe he shaved that god-awful beard for her – I can’t believe he’s doing this –“

 

“Well, he always did hate the fact you two worked better as a married couple than he and Bobbi did.” Natasha says. “Still – that beard – I can’t even begin to imagine how that conversation went.”

 

“Wait. Your soon to be ex-wife’s boyfriend has dressed up in drag as her to go up against you in divorce court?” Tony asks. “This is better than any soap opera could possibly be."

 

“It makes sense.” Clint says, and he seems to be the only one to find any sort of sense in this. “By not showing her actual face in court, then her career will be safe, and people are dumb enough that no one could ever place those photos as Lance. Besides, she always thought we needed to work out some aggression.”

 

“So this is going to be a pointlessly ridiculous, petty, over the top, drawn out battle for the scant few possessions you own in front of an open court for the purpose of aggravating the press and news media?" Bruce asks, and Clint nods, grinning like a madman. "Well, I'm out. Have fun with it."

 

"Do you really want to make it a gigantic clusterfuck?" Tony asks, looking at Clint. "Because I'm just saying, instead of a regular court, you could always go on to one of those televised court shows."

 

"Tony, have I mentioned today how much I love your evil mad scientist brain?" Clint responds. "Because I haven't been this happy since you agreed to make me those boomerang arrows. I need to go call Bobbi and set this up right now." He walked out of the room, and then ducked back in, grabbed a bagel, and walked out again.

 

"You two should never have become friends." Natasha adds. "But, I have to admit, seeing Lance like that on national television is worth it."

 

"Should you really be making jokes about, uh, guys in drag?" Steve asks her.

 

"Steve, what you have to understand is, the funny part isn't knowing that the woman everyone sees is actually a man. The funny part," Natasha pauses, dragging out her punchline, "is that knowing that the perfect, beautiful, wonderful, kind, badass human being everyone sees is actually Lance Hunter. Now, is breakfast ready yet?"


End file.
